ATHENE

The best Paladin in the world.

Holding several world records in World of Warcraft and having proven to be the world's one and only undefeated PvP champion, Athene (aka the 1337 King) officially owns the game in all senses of the word. He spends most of his days living the glorious life of a pro gamer and pwning noobs - the word "noobs" in this case referring to all other players in the game, because even so-called pro's die like little slags when facing off against him.

While he doesn't participate in PvE often, some people have claimed to see him enter Black Temple or Mount Hyjal solo and coming out with all the gear. The reason he will not often raid together with other people however is not arrogance or a sense of superiority, Athene remains a modest man, he simply doesn't raid with others because they are jealous little noobs who aren't worth his time.

He will not reply to your in-game whispers unless you have a 2500+ rating and start your message with "Dear Merciless Gladiator Athene," as a form of basic politeness.

FURIOUS

Usually not wearing a shirt, Furious stays true to his roots; the ghetto's of Harlem. Being the only black man in the show he is prone to be subject of racism, which leaves him little choice but to carry a piece.

Other than packing a .45 he is a peace-loving man who makes an honest living by selling ponies and standing up for his people. Despite this fact of life he has been falsely accused several times of slander, fraud, thefth, battery, carjacking, homejacking, illegal possession of firearms, pimping, assault, manslaughter, bribery, obstruction, perjury, burglary, provocation, arson and robbery.

The latest accusations also involve unfair competition in games such as Call of Duty 4 and CS:S, where he allegedly owned other players to the point of virtual rape and humiliation.

MY BITCH

Warlocks train demons. Hunters train pets. Pro gamers train bitches.

This one is Athene's well-mannered, obedient and utterly gorgeous trophy. With a pricetag of a 2600 rating, "My Bitch" - as Athene dubbed her - is a rare reward that is only reserved for the pro's of the pro's. She comes equiped with custom clothing and make-up, and has a low maintenance cost. Her skills involve but aren't limited to daily necessities such as cooking and cleaning; and her only defects are a slight problem controlling a state of extreme arousal while there is in-game pwning, and the occasional unwanted forming of words. Usually she just shuts the fuck up.

If you wish to have one for yourself, the only instructions are to pwn in game. All the pro's have one. If you don't, then perhaps you aren't pro.

MOTHER

Behind every great man is a great mother.

If the saying is true, then behind the greatest man in the world there must logically be the greatest mother; and there is. Being completely imba in both raising her son and pwning in games like Pong and Asteroids, The Mommy is an old-skool hardcore gamer. Passing her skills onto her child she has done an excellent job in training the next-generation gaming king.

Retired from her carreer as pro, The Mommy now spends her days making broccoli soup and giving much appreciated PvP advice to Athene in times of need.

BROTHER

Athene's brother and the king of the pro's in real life.

Originally owning more than anyone in games, The Brother eventually lost it completely and began perpetually playing all games in his head. Not needing a computer anymore to play, he officially retired from gaming and is now constantly reliving the games while simulating everything in real life. He is perhaps one of the greatest minds on this planet since Einstein and the guy who invented fire.

Having a massive understanding of games, beyond anyone else's reach, The Brother remains a valuable source of advice for Athene. He may appear insane to the public eye, but inside he knows the 3D engines of the Quake games better than Carmack himself.

THE CAMERAMAN

Living an ordinary life as a casual noob, The Cameraman formerly known as Ian was blessed with the opportunity to document the life of a pro gamer (Athene).

Gratefully taking him up on his offer, The Cameraman committed to living with Athene and Furious. His days are now spent filming and editing footage of Athene's daily life, and while these activities leave little time for a social life, he never complains and does his job punctually. In this modern society he stands as a symbol of how noobs should behave in the company of pro's; inferior and obedient.

Slavery may have been abolished in 1865 with good reason, but when one man gets a 2500 rating in game, and the other doesn't even know what L2P means, it is clear who is supposed to be doing the laundry.